it was lovely by fits and starts

so I'm sliding back into depression again. and I know it's partly my own damn fault - I decided to stop taking the meds that Dr Scott prescribed for me several weeks ago. They made me feel like I was utterly flat and I fucking hated it because it felt like the good things were being muted and made more distant and difficult to connect with, while not doing a damn thing for my anxiety or my depression. So I stopped. And I felt good about that life choice and continue to feel that it was the right call to make, but it's also challenging to not kick myself and have massive self-blame over it.

And now I'm back to not sleeping well at night and sleeping too long during the day and just feeling that familiar slide down into my personal bad-place which is frustrating as fuck because I know it's coming and I can't stop it. UGH.

I don't have another therapy appointment until next month, but I'm meant to be practicing the things I've been taught and I do have an appointment with an actual irl psychiatrist on the 29th. HEY-YOOOO. Someone who (theoretically) (maybe) (hopefully) understands bipolar 2 and who can work with drugs for me! EXCITING. SOMETHING TO HOLD ONTO. *~HOPE~*


COMPLETELY RANDOMLY, I've been watching Australia's Next Top Model (omg Brittany!) and I just had to laugh hysterically at the girls freaking out about getting their hair cut while unable to see what was happening. WELCOME TO MY LIFE, YO. I always have to take my glasses off when my hair is getting done and I literally never get to see what's going on until it's done. CLEARLY I'M A TOP MODEL OR SOMETHING. :P

Christmas this year was deeply deeply emotional for me, for a variety of reasons.

For starters, and most importantly, my Grandfather was being kind to me.

Things you should know: I've spent the last two decades aware that my grandfather hated me. I would explain to people that he and I had mutually silently decided that we would politely loathe each other and that was okay. He once drunkenly yelled in my face that I had ruined my mother's life by being conceived. Yeah, good times. He was neither kind nor nice to me.

Over the last summer he had a very bad fall and decided to stop drinking. (The sobriety only lasted 3 and a half months, but he's drinking a lot less and thinking a lot more.) That, combined with a truly excellent pie that I baked in September for Mom's birthday, led to him apparently realizing that I wasn't a terrible human? He asked if I would be willing to bake him a pie every month and occasionally write and send emails for him to a young man doing research on his unit from the marine corps. I said sure, he said he'd pay me $40/mo for this, I gratefully accepted.

And then cut to yesterday. Guys, he was -- he was so fucking kind to me. He was so thrilled that I'd baked a mincemeat pie (mostly because he loves them) and was just so agreeable and -- he kept complimenting my cooking and the way we'd decorated, and just, like, he was being nice to be around. Like, he told my grandmother that he thought I could be a professional cook and that nobody bakes a better pie than I do, nobody. He also basically gave me his enormous stand mixer and told me that he was sure that I'd do great things with it.

Add to this that my Cop!Uncle is now Retired!Cop!Uncle and is so much more relaxed and happy. He also started drinking again - after 30 or so years of sobriety - but is doing really well with a two drink maximum and he was also being a delight to be around - helpful and funny and it was like the uncle I loved so much when I was a wee Bunny had come back from a decades long trip around the world. He told me I looked really nice and that he liked my dress and was generally complimentary about my cooking and told me that I shouldn't worry about taking school slow, he was sure I'd manage it in the end.

I spent most of the day confused, but in a really good way. I kept almost crying and then holding it back by massive willpower alone, because I was sure that nobody would understand that this was overwhelmed good kind of crying.

Just, like, when I was a very little girl I just wanted my Grandpa to love me so so badly. I loved my uncle more than almost anyone in the world, and he was the most important man in my life. And my grandfather never loved me and my uncle got married and had kids and suddenly I didn't matter to him very much anymore. And I'm so overwhelmed right now that my grandfather -- okay today he told Mom that he wanted very much to improve his relationship with me. And my uncle might not approve of my sexual orientation or my politics, but he loves me. I honestly feel like this is the closest I'll ever come to a Christmas Miracle.


So even though my Crazy!Aunt was being spectacularly crazy, and even though I'm suffering from an acute case of I Really Hate How Inferior Being Poor Makes Me Feel (Cousin Kitten got a Macbook Pro from Cop!Uncle, which is actually wonderful and great and I'm super happy for her, but I'm also really fucking jealous that her dad can afford to give her really nice and lovely presents and well. I mean. I got a calendar (that I wanted!) and a nose hoop (that I wanted!) and $100 (which is wonderful!) but nobody's going to be giving me anything even remotely like a laptop) Christmas was mostly full of really good emotions. :)

What a delightful note to end the year on.

So I've decided to stop automatically posting under friendslock for a little while, to see how it feels.

This is, I suppose, as good a place to start as any, particularly considering that this post would have been unlocked regardless.

Let me say first and foremost that I agree with Kita to the fullest extent of my abilities. If you come to me and tell me that you have been violated in any way, ranging from being made to feel uncomfortable straight across the spectrum to far far more horrifying crimes, I will believe you. I understand, intellectually, that there are some people out there in the world who have lied about this kind of thing, but let me be clear: I do not care about that. For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.

And if I ever do anything that smacks of victim blaming, I sincerely hope that I get struck by lightning and fry horribly. I've been the woman who people questioned before, and I think it is utterly disgusting.

With regards to thenyxie, when I first saw her comments in the Wincom community, I really had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know where the wank was, I just knew that someone was questioning the integrity of the Con Organizers, both of who are on my friendslist and have been for years. It pissed me off, and I went to talk to someone in the know about what the situation was. I'm not going to name names here, because I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I had a very enlightening conversation with her and came away from it wanting to mangle people. (I've had a draft of this post up for two days now, and finally just went and started commenting instead. I find that I'm better in comments.)

So let me just put a few things out there in a bulleted list.

• There are many reasons why survivors of sexual assault frequently feel unsafe about coming forward. Victim blaming is a huge one. Being forced to offer up "proof" is not acceptable. I feel that the burden of proof should, in fact, be on the accused when it comes to sex crimes. I'm aware that this isn't a popular opinion, or even a legal one in this country. As the survivor of rape, I don't actually care.


• If someone on an anonmeme says that they were assaulted, raped, felt uncomfortable in a situation, whatever, I am inclined to believe them. Please see my point above. Further, there's a reason why a great many crisis lines are anonymous - people may not feel comfortable admitting to painful truths with their names attached at first.


• Be that as it may, I think that it's clear by now that the decision of the Con Organizers to ban thenyxie from Wincon was made in 2008, and was prompted by her behavior, her husband's behavior, and the behavior of their guest who was not a Wincon participant.


• HOWEVER. If that had not been the case and the first they had heard about it was the anonymeme, I still think that they would have had a responsibility to bear that in mind when dealing with thenyxie, and would also have had a responsibility to investigate said issues. I realize that this too is not a popular opinion, but given my prior point about the comfort of anonymity and confession, I feel comfortable with it.


• If I am ever an asshole, be it in public or in private, I would hope to shout that at least a few of y'all would feel comfortable telling me that I was being an asshole and to knock it the fuck off. In other words, if I am ever acting like this, I do not want your unquestioning support. <3


• Kassie and Jenn have done an amazing job organizing and running Wincon for five years now, and I support them in any way that I can. Period. Their actions, and the actions of the rest of the Con Comm are commendable, and I am deeply proud of their behavior and their efforts to create a safe space for fandom to come together and party.

On that note, let me tell you a brief story about myself and the first Wincon:

We went as a large group to a bar for karaoke that year, and I got hammered. I hadn't eaten, I don't drink much, and there was a lot of booze flowing that night. I had a very good time, for the most part, and that night has produced some of my most amusing memories of any night of my life.

One part of it that wasn't particularly amusing though was when I found myself against the wall by the bathroom with my tongue in the mouth of a man I'd never seen before and his hand going up my shirt. I was drunk off my ass at that point, and was in no shape to be doing anything of the sort with a stranger in a strange city. I can't remember who it was at this point, but a fellow fangirl saw this going on, intervened, and upon asking me questions realized exactly how fucked up I was. She got me back over to where our group was sitting, got me some water, and made sure that I didn't wander off again until I'd sobered up somewhat and we'd left the bar. (If that fangirl sees this and remembers the incident, please speak up!) I'm incredibly fucking grateful to her - I don't make smart sexual choices when I'm drunk, and her intervention very likely prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid.

That's what I think about when people talk about Wincon being a safe space. Because it is, and it should be, the kind of place where fangirls keep an eye out for each other and step in when things get out of control. It is, and should be, the kind of place where we ask questions of the fangirl making out with the strange cowboy, and where we keep clearly drunk women from going to hotel rooms with men who they don't know. That's what I feel like fandom should be - it shouldn't be the kind of place where we slut shame or victim blame.

In any case. I'm still flamingly angry at thenyxie and her absolute lack of comprehension for the harm that she does and the rape culture that she supports by defending the actions of her husband and his friend. I am, however, so fucking proud of fandom for standing up and getting loud about how utterly fucked up that is. I'm in no way, shape, or form active in SPN fandom these days, but this reminds me of why I was once so pleased to call it my home. <3

P.S. And if anyone wants to take up a donation for a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration, I'd be pleased to join y'all in Chicago this year. :P :P :P

Originally posted at http://bunners.dreamwidth.org/1093632.html, where there are currently comments. I would appreciate it if you would consider commenting there.