me. brain stuff. blogging so i'll remember.

[bunnymcfoo]

i’ve been on venlafaxine for going on 3 weeks - finally figured out how to take it without gagging and choking, wheee (cut pill into fourths. chew up a bite of bread, stick pill in bread, swallow, pretend to be birb) - and i’m sincerely hoping that the fucking nausea that won’t fucking go away isn’t a permanent side effect of this drug because it sucks so so so much. as do the really vivid and graphic dreams where terrible things happen more often than not (dreaming that my ex-whatever and my current best friend died and waking up literally crying so hard i couldn’t breathe = not fun) and that are disorienting and weird even when they’re not horrible. i also keep losing words a lot, but i’m not sure if that’s a drug or depression thing tbh.

i keep waiting for it to feel like christmas. it doesn’t, but we also haven’t finished decorating. we’re gonna do that this weekend and hopefully getting the rest of the candles up and stuff will help me settle into quiet winter christmas mode.

the end of the semester hit and i managed to pass one of my classes. with a D, but whatever, it’s not an F and at this point i’ll take it - the prof was super super nice and told me that i should feel proud of the work i managed to do this semester and that she hopes i’ll retake the class with her. i’d like to, but i think i’m taking a semester off to try and get my head sorted, so maybe next fall? my other class - the one i was really enjoying - i did not pass. not at all. not even a little bit. but that professor is a saint and after repeatedly checking up on me over the latter half of the semester, she walked me through doing a late/medical withdraw so that it won’t be an F on my transcript and fuck me over even more. i cried a lot over that email, not even going to lie.

so i’m really struggling with the whole seeing myself as a failure/dropping out of school thing right now. that might be dragging my sense of the season down too, actually. it’s harder this time, weirdly. i think having a couple of good grades and a high point over the summer made me start to think that i could do this thing, that i could function and do school. ha. maybe someday, but not right now. that’s just the way it is and i’m going to have to cope with it, but it sucks a lot and i hate it.

the thing is, i know, in the rational part of my brain at least, that this is a thing that doesn't reflect on my intrinsic value as a person. it's not even that my brain is malfunctioning - this is normal for my brain - it's just that being a depressed academic trainwreck is literally not my fault. this is not a thing i asked for or brought upon myself. but even though i know that, like, logically, it doesn't always help. i'm trying though. i'm trying really hard to let it help. it's not reasonable to hate myself for struggling.i don't deserve my own hate.

and now i'm going to practice self-care and drink some water, take my fucking pill, and go to bed.