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Christmas 2k15
Dec. 27th, 2015 03:01 amChristmas this year was deeply deeply emotional for me, for a variety of reasons.
For starters, and most importantly, my Grandfather was being kind to me.
Things you should know: I've spent the last two decades aware that my grandfather hated me. I would explain to people that he and I had mutually silently decided that we would politely loathe each other and that was okay. He once drunkenly yelled in my face that I had ruined my mother's life by being conceived. Yeah, good times. He was neither kind nor nice to me.
Over the last summer he had a very bad fall and decided to stop drinking. (The sobriety only lasted 3 and a half months, but he's drinking a lot less and thinking a lot more.) That, combined with a truly excellent pie that I baked in September for Mom's birthday, led to him apparently realizing that I wasn't a terrible human? He asked if I would be willing to bake him a pie every month and occasionally write and send emails for him to a young man doing research on his unit from the marine corps. I said sure, he said he'd pay me $40/mo for this, I gratefully accepted.
And then cut to yesterday. Guys, he was -- he was so fucking kind to me. He was so thrilled that I'd baked a mincemeat pie (mostly because he loves them) and was just so agreeable and -- he kept complimenting my cooking and the way we'd decorated, and just, like, he was being nice to be around. Like, he told my grandmother that he thought I could be a professional cook and that nobody bakes a better pie than I do, nobody. He also basically gave me his enormous stand mixer and told me that he was sure that I'd do great things with it.
Add to this that my Cop!Uncle is now Retired!Cop!Uncle and is so much more relaxed and happy. He also started drinking again - after 30 or so years of sobriety - but is doing really well with a two drink maximum and he was also being a delight to be around - helpful and funny and it was like the uncle I loved so much when I was a wee Bunny had come back from a decades long trip around the world. He told me I looked really nice and that he liked my dress and was generally complimentary about my cooking and told me that I shouldn't worry about taking school slow, he was sure I'd manage it in the end.
I spent most of the day confused, but in a really good way. I kept almost crying and then holding it back by massive willpower alone, because I was sure that nobody would understand that this was overwhelmed good kind of crying.
Just, like, when I was a very little girl I just wanted my Grandpa to love me so so badly. I loved my uncle more than almost anyone in the world, and he was the most important man in my life. And my grandfather never loved me and my uncle got married and had kids and suddenly I didn't matter to him very much anymore. And I'm so overwhelmed right now that my grandfather -- okay today he told Mom that he wanted very much to improve his relationship with me. And my uncle might not approve of my sexual orientation or my politics, but he loves me. I honestly feel like this is the closest I'll ever come to a Christmas Miracle.
So even though my Crazy!Aunt was being spectacularly crazy, and even though I'm suffering from an acute case of I Really Hate How Inferior Being Poor Makes Me Feel (Cousin Kitten got a Macbook Pro from Cop!Uncle, which is actually wonderful and great and I'm super happy for her, but I'm also really fucking jealous that her dad can afford to give her really nice and lovely presents and well. I mean. I got a calendar (that I wanted!) and a nose hoop (that I wanted!) and $100 (which is wonderful!) but nobody's going to be giving me anything even remotely like a laptop) Christmas was mostly full of really good emotions. :)
What a delightful note to end the year on.
For starters, and most importantly, my Grandfather was being kind to me.
Things you should know: I've spent the last two decades aware that my grandfather hated me. I would explain to people that he and I had mutually silently decided that we would politely loathe each other and that was okay. He once drunkenly yelled in my face that I had ruined my mother's life by being conceived. Yeah, good times. He was neither kind nor nice to me.
Over the last summer he had a very bad fall and decided to stop drinking. (The sobriety only lasted 3 and a half months, but he's drinking a lot less and thinking a lot more.) That, combined with a truly excellent pie that I baked in September for Mom's birthday, led to him apparently realizing that I wasn't a terrible human? He asked if I would be willing to bake him a pie every month and occasionally write and send emails for him to a young man doing research on his unit from the marine corps. I said sure, he said he'd pay me $40/mo for this, I gratefully accepted.
And then cut to yesterday. Guys, he was -- he was so fucking kind to me. He was so thrilled that I'd baked a mincemeat pie (mostly because he loves them) and was just so agreeable and -- he kept complimenting my cooking and the way we'd decorated, and just, like, he was being nice to be around. Like, he told my grandmother that he thought I could be a professional cook and that nobody bakes a better pie than I do, nobody. He also basically gave me his enormous stand mixer and told me that he was sure that I'd do great things with it.
Add to this that my Cop!Uncle is now Retired!Cop!Uncle and is so much more relaxed and happy. He also started drinking again - after 30 or so years of sobriety - but is doing really well with a two drink maximum and he was also being a delight to be around - helpful and funny and it was like the uncle I loved so much when I was a wee Bunny had come back from a decades long trip around the world. He told me I looked really nice and that he liked my dress and was generally complimentary about my cooking and told me that I shouldn't worry about taking school slow, he was sure I'd manage it in the end.
I spent most of the day confused, but in a really good way. I kept almost crying and then holding it back by massive willpower alone, because I was sure that nobody would understand that this was overwhelmed good kind of crying.
Just, like, when I was a very little girl I just wanted my Grandpa to love me so so badly. I loved my uncle more than almost anyone in the world, and he was the most important man in my life. And my grandfather never loved me and my uncle got married and had kids and suddenly I didn't matter to him very much anymore. And I'm so overwhelmed right now that my grandfather -- okay today he told Mom that he wanted very much to improve his relationship with me. And my uncle might not approve of my sexual orientation or my politics, but he loves me. I honestly feel like this is the closest I'll ever come to a Christmas Miracle.
So even though my Crazy!Aunt was being spectacularly crazy, and even though I'm suffering from an acute case of I Really Hate How Inferior Being Poor Makes Me Feel (Cousin Kitten got a Macbook Pro from Cop!Uncle, which is actually wonderful and great and I'm super happy for her, but I'm also really fucking jealous that her dad can afford to give her really nice and lovely presents and well. I mean. I got a calendar (that I wanted!) and a nose hoop (that I wanted!) and $100 (which is wonderful!) but nobody's going to be giving me anything even remotely like a laptop) Christmas was mostly full of really good emotions. :)
What a delightful note to end the year on.
