bunnymcfoo: (& there was love in every heartbeat)
So remember how my last entry ended with me having plans to (reluctantly and resentfully) go to the ER about my ankle?

Yeah, that didn't happen. Oh, I still wound up at the ER on Tuesday, but it wasn't for me. Instead the universe decided that my Gran needed to have respiratory issues so bad that she had to pull the emergency cord in her bedroom.

Thank fuck we got her moved a couple of months ago. I seriously owe the staff at her new apartment complex a cake because they had people in with her in under 90 seconds and an ambulance called immediately after that. They called me before the paramedics had even gotten her into the ambulance and Mom and I were able to meet them at the hospital.

She wound up being admitted with pulmonary edema (fluid in the lungs) with the root cause being cardiac issues. Her heart is just plain wearing out and it's not pumping enough blood, which (because bodies are fucked up and weird) is resulting in things that should go squish not going squish and things that shouldn't go squish (like lungs) going squish squish squish. :/

Added to that, she managed to get one of her pills stuck in her throat where the goddamn thing melted and gave her a chemical burn. Folks, if you're taking pills, do yourselves a favor and drink a load of water with them. Don't let your Prozac fuck your throat up so badly that you croak instead of talking and need to see an ENT. It's not fun and it apparently hurts an awful lot.

So yeah, that's been my week. Being my grandmother's caretaker is the hardest job I've ever had, no questions asked. It's ridiculously emotionally draining, and my hats are off to people who do this kind of thing as a career and with more than one person at a time. Our society really doesn't respect this kind of job enough - and as a result I've gotten to the point where I'm like, "You wanna talk shit about stay at home parents? COME AT ME. I'll FUCK YOU UP" and "The real heroes are the people juggling kids and aging parents and keeping their own sanity." (On the other hand, I cannot imagine leaving Gran's care to anyone else, much less someone outside the family. She's my best Gran and as much as she sometimes drives me to the whiskey bottle, I love her so very very much.)


On the bright side of life: after much debate and arguing, Mom and I figured out how we want to redo our kitchen floors. We're going from badly installed 80s style vinyl with a rotted subfloor where the dishwasher leaked for years and years (so gross) to a whitewashed and varnished floor of planks made from plywood. No, really! It can look SO COOL and it's hella cheap, so if we need to redo them or slap some vinyl over them in a few years we can. We had been talking about an actual wood floor, but after pricing it out we were looking at $1500 for labor and wood. We're going to do a lot of the demo ourselves and the switch from fancy oak to plywood is going to save us a bundle. YAY for new floors!
bunnymcfoo: (oh shit self esteem issues)
so I'm sliding back into depression again. and I know it's partly my own damn fault - I decided to stop taking the meds that Dr Scott prescribed for me several weeks ago. They made me feel like I was utterly flat and I fucking hated it because it felt like the good things were being muted and made more distant and difficult to connect with, while not doing a damn thing for my anxiety or my depression. So I stopped. And I felt good about that life choice and continue to feel that it was the right call to make, but it's also challenging to not kick myself and have massive self-blame over it.

And now I'm back to not sleeping well at night and sleeping too long during the day and just feeling that familiar slide down into my personal bad-place which is frustrating as fuck because I know it's coming and I can't stop it. UGH.

I don't have another therapy appointment until next month, but I'm meant to be practicing the things I've been taught and I do have an appointment with an actual irl psychiatrist on the 29th. HEY-YOOOO. Someone who (theoretically) (maybe) (hopefully) understands bipolar 2 and who can work with drugs for me! EXCITING. SOMETHING TO HOLD ONTO. *~HOPE~*


COMPLETELY RANDOMLY, I've been watching Australia's Next Top Model (omg Brittany!) and I just had to laugh hysterically at the girls freaking out about getting their hair cut while unable to see what was happening. WELCOME TO MY LIFE, YO. I always have to take my glasses off when my hair is getting done and I literally never get to see what's going on until it's done. CLEARLY I'M A TOP MODEL OR SOMETHING. :P
bunnymcfoo: (for the increase of hope)
My cousin texted me last night "Death is weird". And she's not wrong, death is so weird - and so is grief. She sent me that text around midnight and at five twenty our grandfather died.

We'd known this was coming, and I will be forever grateful that we were able to bring him home to die, that he didn't die in a hospital or care facility, and that he had people who loved him there in his last hours.

Death is weird, but grief is weirder.

My grandfather didn't like me very much, for most of my life. I was okay in his books until I was around 3, and then that was it, I was the symbol of my mother -- look, it was complicated and fraught, but when I was 16 he screamed in my face that I'd destroyed my mother's life by being conceived. That was what he thought of me, and it hurt. God, it hurt, because I just really desperately wanted my grandpa to love me. I spent so much time as a small thing wondering what I'd done wrong to make him distant and cold. Because it must have been me, right?

Eventually I came to terms with it. It wasn't me, it was him. We settled into a relationship of cordial dislike and I assumed that when he died I'd be pretty whatever about it and just here to support my mom.


But then, well, I got something akin to a Christmas miracle last year. Or a pre-Christmas miracle? I don't know. Sometime around September he decided I was alright, actually, and he told mom that he wanted me to know how valued I was in the family - that's literally the closest I can ever remember him getting to "I love you", but god, GOD, I felt like someone had suckerpunched me when she told me that. The little girl I carry around inside of me sort of uncurled a little and got hopeful, and the adult bits of me, the cynical bits, well. I didn't trust it. I spent the last five months waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I spent quite a lot of time with Grandpa in the last month. I shifted into taking him to doctors appointments and cooking him breakfast, since he didn't want to eat, and generally trying to make myself useful. I was the one who called 9-1-1 when he fell the first time in the last cycle. And weirdly, the last few weeks have been pretty great in a super horrible way. I could see that other shoe dropping, and it was his incredibly rapid decline in health and his death coming towards us faster and faster every day.

(As pathetic as it might sound, he told me a few days ago that I'm remarkably competent and I felt like I'd won the lottery. There were very few qualities in a person that he valued more than competency.)


My grandpa died this morning at 5:20 and I can't stop crying. If you'd told me a year ago - hell, six months ago - that I'd react this way, I'd have rolled my eyes and told you that you were deluded. But here we are. He started being a grandfather to me in the ways I spent so much time dreaming of as a little girl and now he's gone. I'm so grateful to have had this time, this sea change, but good god, this hurts.

But my grandfather valued competency and practicality and toughness, so I'mma buck up buttercup and go do the thing that I know will be the biggest and most supportive thing I can possibly do for my mother right now: I'm going to go clean the kitchen. I might be crying, but those dishes will be done.




and I'll say this here, because I need to:

I loved you a lot Grandpa. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to be there when you passed, but the last thing I said to you was that we all loved you and I stand by that. I'm so glad you aren't in pain anymore, and I hope that if we're both wrong and there is an afterlife that yours includes loads of lemon meringue pie and all the top shelf whisky you could ever want. I promise to take care of Mom, so you don't have to worry about that. <3


Ernest Kent Clark
September 8, 1922 - February 14, 2016

Semper Fi
bunnymcfoo: (for the increase of hope)
Christmas this year was deeply deeply emotional for me, for a variety of reasons.

For starters, and most importantly, my Grandfather was being kind to me.

Things you should know: I've spent the last two decades aware that my grandfather hated me. I would explain to people that he and I had mutually silently decided that we would politely loathe each other and that was okay. He once drunkenly yelled in my face that I had ruined my mother's life by being conceived. Yeah, good times. He was neither kind nor nice to me.

Over the last summer he had a very bad fall and decided to stop drinking. (The sobriety only lasted 3 and a half months, but he's drinking a lot less and thinking a lot more.) That, combined with a truly excellent pie that I baked in September for Mom's birthday, led to him apparently realizing that I wasn't a terrible human? He asked if I would be willing to bake him a pie every month and occasionally write and send emails for him to a young man doing research on his unit from the marine corps. I said sure, he said he'd pay me $40/mo for this, I gratefully accepted.

And then cut to yesterday. Guys, he was -- he was so fucking kind to me. He was so thrilled that I'd baked a mincemeat pie (mostly because he loves them) and was just so agreeable and -- he kept complimenting my cooking and the way we'd decorated, and just, like, he was being nice to be around. Like, he told my grandmother that he thought I could be a professional cook and that nobody bakes a better pie than I do, nobody. He also basically gave me his enormous stand mixer and told me that he was sure that I'd do great things with it.

Add to this that my Cop!Uncle is now Retired!Cop!Uncle and is so much more relaxed and happy. He also started drinking again - after 30 or so years of sobriety - but is doing really well with a two drink maximum and he was also being a delight to be around - helpful and funny and it was like the uncle I loved so much when I was a wee Bunny had come back from a decades long trip around the world. He told me I looked really nice and that he liked my dress and was generally complimentary about my cooking and told me that I shouldn't worry about taking school slow, he was sure I'd manage it in the end.

I spent most of the day confused, but in a really good way. I kept almost crying and then holding it back by massive willpower alone, because I was sure that nobody would understand that this was overwhelmed good kind of crying.

Just, like, when I was a very little girl I just wanted my Grandpa to love me so so badly. I loved my uncle more than almost anyone in the world, and he was the most important man in my life. And my grandfather never loved me and my uncle got married and had kids and suddenly I didn't matter to him very much anymore. And I'm so overwhelmed right now that my grandfather -- okay today he told Mom that he wanted very much to improve his relationship with me. And my uncle might not approve of my sexual orientation or my politics, but he loves me. I honestly feel like this is the closest I'll ever come to a Christmas Miracle.


So even though my Crazy!Aunt was being spectacularly crazy, and even though I'm suffering from an acute case of I Really Hate How Inferior Being Poor Makes Me Feel (Cousin Kitten got a Macbook Pro from Cop!Uncle, which is actually wonderful and great and I'm super happy for her, but I'm also really fucking jealous that her dad can afford to give her really nice and lovely presents and well. I mean. I got a calendar (that I wanted!) and a nose hoop (that I wanted!) and $100 (which is wonderful!) but nobody's going to be giving me anything even remotely like a laptop) Christmas was mostly full of really good emotions. :)

What a delightful note to end the year on.
bunnymcfoo: (gonna be a superstar someday)
So I've decided to stop automatically posting under friendslock for a little while, to see how it feels.

This is, I suppose, as good a place to start as any, particularly considering that this post would have been unlocked regardless.

Let me say first and foremost that I agree with Kita to the fullest extent of my abilities. If you come to me and tell me that you have been violated in any way, ranging from being made to feel uncomfortable straight across the spectrum to far far more horrifying crimes, I will believe you. I understand, intellectually, that there are some people out there in the world who have lied about this kind of thing, but let me be clear: I do not care about that. For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.

And if I ever do anything that smacks of victim blaming, I sincerely hope that I get struck by lightning and fry horribly. I've been the woman who people questioned before, and I think it is utterly disgusting.

With regards to [personal profile] thenyxie, when I first saw her comments in the Wincom community, I really had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know where the wank was, I just knew that someone was questioning the integrity of the Con Organizers, both of who are on my friendslist and have been for years. It pissed me off, and I went to talk to someone in the know about what the situation was. I'm not going to name names here, because I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I had a very enlightening conversation with her and came away from it wanting to mangle people. (I've had a draft of this post up for two days now, and finally just went and started commenting instead. I find that I'm better in comments.)

So let me just put a few things out there in a bulleted list.
  • There are many reasons why survivors of sexual assault frequently feel unsafe about coming forward. Victim blaming is a huge one. Being forced to offer up "proof" is not acceptable. I feel that the burden of proof should, in fact, be on the accused when it comes to sex crimes. I'm aware that this isn't a popular opinion, or even a legal one in this country. As the survivor of rape, I don't actually care.

  • If someone on an anonmeme says that they were assaulted, raped, felt uncomfortable in a situation, whatever, I am inclined to believe them. Please see my point above. Further, there's a reason why a great many crisis lines are anonymous - people may not feel comfortable admitting to painful truths with their names attached at first.

  • Be that as it may, I think that it's clear by now that the decision of the Con Organizers to ban [personal profile] thenyxie from Wincon was made in 2008, and was prompted by her behavior, her husband's behavior, and the behavior of their guest who was not a Wincon participant.

  • HOWEVER. If that had not been the case and the first they had heard about it was the anonymeme, I still think that they would have had a responsibility to bear that in mind when dealing with [personal profile] thenyxie, and would also have had a responsibility to investigate said issues. I realize that this too is not a popular opinion, but given my prior point about the comfort of anonymity and confession, I feel comfortable with it.

  • If I am ever an asshole, be it in public or in private, I would hope to shout that at least a few of y'all would feel comfortable telling me that I was being an asshole and to knock it the fuck off. In other words, if I am ever acting like this, I do not want your unquestioning support. <3

  • Kassie and Jenn have done an amazing job organizing and running Wincon for five years now, and I support them in any way that I can. Period. Their actions, and the actions of the rest of the Con Comm are commendable, and I am deeply proud of their behavior and their efforts to create a safe space for fandom to come together and party.


On that note, let me tell you a brief story about myself and the first Wincon:

We went as a large group to a bar for karaoke that year, and I got hammered. I hadn't eaten, I don't drink much, and there was a lot of booze flowing that night. I had a very good time, for the most part, and that night has produced some of my most amusing memories of any night of my life.

One part of it that wasn't particularly amusing though was when I found myself against the wall by the bathroom with my tongue in the mouth of a man I'd never seen before and his hand going up my shirt. I was drunk off my ass at that point, and was in no shape to be doing anything of the sort with a stranger in a strange city. I can't remember who it was at this point, but a fellow fangirl saw this going on, intervened, and upon asking me questions realized exactly how fucked up I was. She got me back over to where our group was sitting, got me some water, and made sure that I didn't wander off again until I'd sobered up somewhat and we'd left the bar. (If that fangirl sees this and remembers the incident, please speak up!) I'm incredibly fucking grateful to her - I don't make smart sexual choices when I'm drunk, and her intervention very likely prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid.

That's what I think about when people talk about Wincon being a safe space. Because it is, and it should be, the kind of place where fangirls keep an eye out for each other and step in when things get out of control. It is, and should be, the kind of place where we ask questions of the fangirl making out with the strange cowboy, and where we keep clearly drunk women from going to hotel rooms with men who they don't know. That's what I feel like fandom should be - it shouldn't be the kind of place where we slut shame or victim blame.

In any case. I'm still flamingly angry at [personal profile] thenyxie and her absolute lack of comprehension for the harm that she does and the rape culture that she supports by defending the actions of her husband and his friend. I am, however, so fucking proud of fandom for standing up and getting loud about how utterly fucked up that is. I'm in no way, shape, or form active in SPN fandom these days, but this reminds me of why I was once so pleased to call it my home. <3

P.S. And if anyone wants to take up a donation for a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration, I'd be pleased to join y'all in Chicago this year. :P :P :P

Originally posted at http://bunners.dreamwidth.org/1093632.html, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. I would appreciate it if you would consider commenting there.
bunnymcfoo: (gonna be a superstar someday)
So I've decided to stop automatically posting under friendslock for a little while, to see how it feels.

This is, I suppose, as good a place to start as any, particularly considering that this post would have been unlocked regardless.

Let me say first and foremost that I agree with Kita to the fullest extent of my abilities. If you come to me and tell me that you have been violated in any way, ranging from being made to feel uncomfortable straight across the spectrum to far far more horrifying crimes, I will believe you. I understand, intellectually, that there are some people out there in the world who have lied about this kind of thing, but let me be clear: I do not care about that. For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.

And if I ever do anything that smacks of victim blaming, I sincerely hope that I get struck by lightning and fry horribly. I've been the woman who people questioned before, and I think it is utterly disgusting.

With regards to [personal profile] thenyxie, when I first saw her comments in the Wincom community, I really had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know where the wank was, I just knew that someone was questioning the integrity of the Con Organizers, both of who are on my friendslist and have been for years. It pissed me off, and I went to talk to someone in the know about what the situation was. I'm not going to name names here, because I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I had a very enlightening conversation with her and came away from it wanting to mangle people. (I've had a draft of this post up for two days now, and finally just went and started commenting instead. I find that I'm better in comments.)

So let me just put a few things out there in a bulleted list.
  • There are many reasons why survivors of sexual assault frequently feel unsafe about coming forward. Victim blaming is a huge one. Being forced to offer up "proof" is not acceptable. I feel that the burden of proof should, in fact, be on the accused when it comes to sex crimes. I'm aware that this isn't a popular opinion, or even a legal one in this country. As the survivor of rape, I don't actually care.

  • If someone on an anonmeme says that they were assaulted, raped, felt uncomfortable in a situation, whatever, I am inclined to believe them. Please see my point above. Further, there's a reason why a great many crisis lines are anonymous - people may not feel comfortable admitting to painful truths with their names attached at first.

  • Be that as it may, I think that it's clear by now that the decision of the Con Organizers to ban [personal profile] thenyxie from Wincon was made in 2008, and was prompted by her behavior, her husband's behavior, and the behavior of their guest who was not a Wincon participant.

  • HOWEVER. If that had not been the case and the first they had heard about it was the anonymeme, I still think that they would have had a responsibility to bear that in mind when dealing with [personal profile] thenyxie, and would also have had a responsibility to investigate said issues. I realize that this too is not a popular opinion, but given my prior point about the comfort of anonymity and confession, I feel comfortable with it.

  • If I am ever an asshole, be it in public or in private, I would hope to shout that at least a few of y'all would feel comfortable telling me that I was being an asshole and to knock it the fuck off. In other words, if I am ever acting like this, I do not want your unquestioning support. <3

  • Kassie and Jenn have done an amazing job organizing and running Wincon for five years now, and I support them in any way that I can. Period. Their actions, and the actions of the rest of the Con Comm are commendable, and I am deeply proud of their behavior and their efforts to create a safe space for fandom to come together and party.


On that note, let me tell you a brief story about myself and the first Wincon:

We went as a large group to a bar for karaoke that year, and I got hammered. I hadn't eaten, I don't drink much, and there was a lot of booze flowing that night. I had a very good time, for the most part, and that night has produced some of my most amusing memories of any night of my life.

One part of it that wasn't particularly amusing though was when I found myself against the wall by the bathroom with my tongue in the mouth of a man I'd never seen before and his hand going up my shirt. I was drunk off my ass at that point, and was in no shape to be doing anything of the sort with a stranger in a strange city. I can't remember who it was at this point, but a fellow fangirl saw this going on, intervened, and upon asking me questions realized exactly how fucked up I was. She got me back over to where our group was sitting, got me some water, and made sure that I didn't wander off again until I'd sobered up somewhat and we'd left the bar. (If that fangirl sees this and remembers the incident, please speak up!) I'm incredibly fucking grateful to her - I don't make smart sexual choices when I'm drunk, and her intervention very likely prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid.

That's what I think about when people talk about Wincon being a safe space. Because it is, and it should be, the kind of place where fangirls keep an eye out for each other and step in when things get out of control. It is, and should be, the kind of place where we ask questions of the fangirl making out with the strange cowboy, and where we keep clearly drunk women from going to hotel rooms with men who they don't know. That's what I feel like fandom should be - it shouldn't be the kind of place where we slut shame or victim blame.

In any case. I'm still flamingly angry at [personal profile] thenyxie and her absolute lack of comprehension for the harm that she does and the rape culture that she supports by defending the actions of her husband and his friend. I am, however, so fucking proud of fandom for standing up and getting loud about how utterly fucked up that is. I'm in no way, shape, or form active in SPN fandom these days, but this reminds me of why I was once so pleased to call it my home. <3

P.S. And if anyone wants to take up a donation for a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration, I'd be pleased to join y'all in Chicago this year. :P :P :P

Originally posted at http://bunners.dreamwidth.org/1093632.html, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. I would appreciate it if you would consider commenting there.
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