bunnymcfoo: (you are so beautiful)
[personal profile] bunnymcfoo
So my doctor wants me to lose weight.

This isn't just some "fatty, you're fat" sort of thing, it's a "fatty, your LIVER is fatty and that's a serious concern" sort of thing. (Also: your cholesterol is wack, your blood pressure is sky high, and your vitamin D is wicked low....)

As if this weren't enough of a reason for me to be a bit wigged out, he forgot that I'm EDNOS and need to not know my weight - and he left it unblacked-out on the paperwork he sent home with me. I'm five foot two and I'm tipping the scales at 275lb - does that make me a deathfatty yet? In any case, I've spent the last few days losing my goddamn mind about this.

A) I decided to never eat again - surely I can live on water and the occasional Dr Pepper, right? That seems healthy.

B) I realized that if I'm that fat already why should I care I'm going to die miserable and fat and alone anyway so I might as well eat all the girl scout cookies in the world.

C) I didn't do either of those things, by the skin of my teeth, but I did cry a lot (like, a lot) yesterday, both in my therapy session and at home - I snotted on mom, god how mortifying - and I think the words "I'm completely worthless" were used. Because hey, I don't have a "real" job, I got kicked out of a community college for under-performing, and I'm roughly the weight of a newborn elephant. Folks, I'm really winning at life.

Granted, on a cerebral level I know that fat does NOT equal worthless, and I would never dream that any of my fat friends were worthless. I just feel that way about me. Which is fun. My therapist (who is my only option) doesn't seem to have a lot of experience with eating disordered people and I honestly think I overwhelmed her a little bit yesterday. Whoops? Sorry about being a trainwreck. /o\

So that's where my head's at right now, freaking out about my 30+ lb weight gain in a year and change.

(No wonder none of my clothes fit.)

Here's the thing though. I have a nutritionist I'm working with. I actually started with her last month and she's being amazing. She specializes in diabetes wellness (no, I don't have diabetes, but I am pre-diabetic, sooo) and is the nicest person. When I lost my mind in her general direction she made me breathe and then we established that my food goals are to get me to the point where I cook for myself, not just for other people, and to increase my veggie intake. That latter goal is hard as fuck because I'm not familiar with how to cook a lot of veggies and also because I don't think I like vegetables. (On the other hand, my fruit and veg intake hovers around "none" most of the time, so it's not hard to increase that slightly.) In any case, Kristen is full of recipes and ideas for sneaking veggies into all kinds of foods and that'll only be good for me and Gran, you know? I mostly appreciate how freaking calm she is though - she's a trooper.

So I'm starting there. I'm not going to do weigh-ins or count calories. I'm going to start walking a little bit again and I'm going to try to decrease my soda and increase my water and veggies. Try a few new recipes a month, particularly those with veggies in them. I'm going to try to fit back into my clothes a little better by the middle of May, but I'm also going to try to not obsess about it. The plan is to post a full body photo here though, once a month. Since I'm not going to be weighing myself it seems like a decent plan to keep track of body changes in a way that I can track and feel accomplished about.

I don't feel like I can talk about this on Tumblr. There's definitely a slant towards body acceptance that almost runs to the anti-weight loss on my feed, and while that's okay I don't want to talk about hating my body and trying to lose weight over there. Fortunately I have this old friend to fall back on - bless you LJ for still being around. ♥
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September 2016

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