bunnymcfoo: (gonna be a superstar someday)
[personal profile] bunnymcfoo
So I've decided to stop automatically posting under friendslock for a little while, to see how it feels.

This is, I suppose, as good a place to start as any, particularly considering that this post would have been unlocked regardless.

Let me say first and foremost that I agree with Kita to the fullest extent of my abilities. If you come to me and tell me that you have been violated in any way, ranging from being made to feel uncomfortable straight across the spectrum to far far more horrifying crimes, I will believe you. I understand, intellectually, that there are some people out there in the world who have lied about this kind of thing, but let me be clear: I do not care about that. For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.

And if I ever do anything that smacks of victim blaming, I sincerely hope that I get struck by lightning and fry horribly. I've been the woman who people questioned before, and I think it is utterly disgusting.

With regards to [personal profile] thenyxie, when I first saw her comments in the Wincom community, I really had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know where the wank was, I just knew that someone was questioning the integrity of the Con Organizers, both of who are on my friendslist and have been for years. It pissed me off, and I went to talk to someone in the know about what the situation was. I'm not going to name names here, because I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I had a very enlightening conversation with her and came away from it wanting to mangle people. (I've had a draft of this post up for two days now, and finally just went and started commenting instead. I find that I'm better in comments.)

So let me just put a few things out there in a bulleted list.
  • There are many reasons why survivors of sexual assault frequently feel unsafe about coming forward. Victim blaming is a huge one. Being forced to offer up "proof" is not acceptable. I feel that the burden of proof should, in fact, be on the accused when it comes to sex crimes. I'm aware that this isn't a popular opinion, or even a legal one in this country. As the survivor of rape, I don't actually care.

  • If someone on an anonmeme says that they were assaulted, raped, felt uncomfortable in a situation, whatever, I am inclined to believe them. Please see my point above. Further, there's a reason why a great many crisis lines are anonymous - people may not feel comfortable admitting to painful truths with their names attached at first.

  • Be that as it may, I think that it's clear by now that the decision of the Con Organizers to ban [personal profile] thenyxie from Wincon was made in 2008, and was prompted by her behavior, her husband's behavior, and the behavior of their guest who was not a Wincon participant.

  • HOWEVER. If that had not been the case and the first they had heard about it was the anonymeme, I still think that they would have had a responsibility to bear that in mind when dealing with [personal profile] thenyxie, and would also have had a responsibility to investigate said issues. I realize that this too is not a popular opinion, but given my prior point about the comfort of anonymity and confession, I feel comfortable with it.

  • If I am ever an asshole, be it in public or in private, I would hope to shout that at least a few of y'all would feel comfortable telling me that I was being an asshole and to knock it the fuck off. In other words, if I am ever acting like this, I do not want your unquestioning support. <3

  • Kassie and Jenn have done an amazing job organizing and running Wincon for five years now, and I support them in any way that I can. Period. Their actions, and the actions of the rest of the Con Comm are commendable, and I am deeply proud of their behavior and their efforts to create a safe space for fandom to come together and party.

On that note, let me tell you a brief story about myself and the first Wincon:

We went as a large group to a bar for karaoke that year, and I got hammered. I hadn't eaten, I don't drink much, and there was a lot of booze flowing that night. I had a very good time, for the most part, and that night has produced some of my most amusing memories of any night of my life.

One part of it that wasn't particularly amusing though was when I found myself against the wall by the bathroom with my tongue in the mouth of a man I'd never seen before and his hand going up my shirt. I was drunk off my ass at that point, and was in no shape to be doing anything of the sort with a stranger in a strange city. I can't remember who it was at this point, but a fellow fangirl saw this going on, intervened, and upon asking me questions realized exactly how fucked up I was. She got me back over to where our group was sitting, got me some water, and made sure that I didn't wander off again until I'd sobered up somewhat and we'd left the bar. (If that fangirl sees this and remembers the incident, please speak up!) I'm incredibly fucking grateful to her - I don't make smart sexual choices when I'm drunk, and her intervention very likely prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid.

That's what I think about when people talk about Wincon being a safe space. Because it is, and it should be, the kind of place where fangirls keep an eye out for each other and step in when things get out of control. It is, and should be, the kind of place where we ask questions of the fangirl making out with the strange cowboy, and where we keep clearly drunk women from going to hotel rooms with men who they don't know. That's what I feel like fandom should be - it shouldn't be the kind of place where we slut shame or victim blame.

In any case. I'm still flamingly angry at [personal profile] thenyxie and her absolute lack of comprehension for the harm that she does and the rape culture that she supports by defending the actions of her husband and his friend. I am, however, so fucking proud of fandom for standing up and getting loud about how utterly fucked up that is. I'm in no way, shape, or form active in SPN fandom these days, but this reminds me of why I was once so pleased to call it my home. <3

P.S. And if anyone wants to take up a donation for a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration, I'd be pleased to join y'all in Chicago this year. :P :P :P

Originally posted at http://bunners.dreamwidth.org/1093632.html, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. I would appreciate it if you would consider commenting there.

Date: 2010-05-10 05:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kita0610.livejournal.com
I rather love you a lot.

Date: 2010-05-10 05:45 am (UTC)
ext_6545: (to a degree that is truly stupid)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
To nobody's surprise, the feeling is entirely mutual. <3

Date: 2010-05-10 05:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] triple-phoenix.livejournal.com
you're amazing, bunny.

I should like to talk to you sometime if you happen to be on AIM.

Date: 2010-05-10 01:39 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
thank you, bb. I'll try to be around this week, a wee bit. I'm almost always on gchat, invisible, if you ever use that?

Date: 2010-05-10 06:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] culurien.livejournal.com
I don't know what this is about (and don't need to know; I'm not in the fandom, and it isn't my business), but: well said.

For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.

Especially this.

Date: 2010-05-10 01:40 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
Thank you. I really do think that it went beyond being a single fandom issue, in that rape culture and victim blaming are massive issues - a fact that the original poster seemed utterly unable to understand. *wrathful*

<3 It's good to see your name around again.

Date: 2010-05-11 04:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] culurien.livejournal.com
Definitely. I hope some good awareness comes out of this. <3

And thanks!:) It's a new thing I'm trying, called actually updating my journal...we'll see how long it lasts.:D

Date: 2010-05-10 07:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adamjury.livejournal.com
One of my friends pointed out the drama to be earlier today. What a freakin' load of shit. Your post, and various snippets of your other posts that I saw in the caps, were very well done.

Date: 2010-05-10 01:41 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
Thank you. I wasn't sure, by the end, if I'd done any good or if I'd just made things worse, so this means a lot. <3

Date: 2010-05-10 09:41 am (UTC)
ext_3762: girl reading outside in sunshine (Default)
From: [identity profile] harborshore.livejournal.com
♥ Thank you.

Date: 2010-05-10 01:41 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
♥ & thank you for your post earlier.

Date: 2010-05-10 09:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] robanybody.livejournal.com
I love you. ♥

Date: 2010-05-10 01:42 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
I love you right back. Always. ♥

Date: 2010-05-10 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thisissirius.livejournal.com
this post is perfect. thank you ♥

Date: 2010-05-10 01:42 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
♥ Thank you. That's high praise, and I appreciate it.

Date: 2010-05-10 12:19 pm (UTC)
ext_9649: (only women bleed)
From: [identity profile] traveller.livejournal.com
you are the best of all possible people.

Date: 2010-05-10 01:43 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
I feel like I should have found these words on Saturday or Friday night when the whole thing first came to my attention. Better late than never?

*flap flap* no, u.

Date: 2010-05-10 02:06 pm (UTC)
ext_9649: (Default)
From: [identity profile] traveller.livejournal.com
on the contrary, I think that there is a great deal of value in people continuing to speak up on this - it keeps it in peoples' minds and keeps people talking.

Date: 2010-05-10 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jocondite.livejournal.com

Date: 2010-05-11 03:02 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-05-10 02:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] allthelivesofme.livejournal.com
For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.

If you were actually in front of me right now I'd want to hug you for this. I hadn't heard about this mess until this morning, but I knew there'd be a ton of people starting in on "well, they should've just done this instead!" victim-blaming crap, and it's so incredibly good to see something like this instead. Thank you.

Date: 2010-05-11 03:03 am (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
:) I'd take that hug! There's been a lot of ugly crap said, but there's also been some beautiful, amazing posts from wonderful people, and I'm trying to stay focused on those ones.

Date: 2010-05-10 11:35 pm (UTC)
ext_8730: (Default)
From: [identity profile] maerhys.livejournal.com
Yes. To all of this.

Date: 2010-05-11 03:03 am (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
♥ thank you.

Date: 2010-05-11 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparkymonster.livejournal.com
I think the anonymous fangirl savior was [livejournal.com profile] apetslife

Date: 2010-05-11 03:17 am (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
Thank you! I've spent the last four years wondering.

eta: fixed the number. holy crap, I can't believe it's been four years since Nashville. o.o
Edited Date: 2010-05-11 03:21 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-05-11 03:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apetslife.livejournal.com
Holy cow! That was, in fact, me! I remember the alarm bells going off in my head and thinking that the situation was definitely not quite right, and I never knew who you were, but I remember your friends closing ranks around you by the bar, and you drinking that water like it happened yesterday.

I'm SO glad that everything worked out okay for you, and that your memories of that (truly epic) night are good, and funny, and the con is something you can look back on as fun and awesome. *HUGS*
Edited Date: 2010-05-11 03:48 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-05-11 03:08 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
Hi, hi, yes that was me! And that was you! :D :D :D

*HUGS* It totally WAS an epic night, and ugh, you are AWESOME. ♥

Date: 2010-05-11 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparkymonster.livejournal.com
I remember the event vividly as an example of fangirls looking out for each other. I'm glad you made it through OK.

Date: 2010-05-11 02:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apetslife.livejournal.com
I remember it happening incredibly vividly--especially since cowboy dude wasn't best pleased--but never would have seen this post and put it together. I left Nashville the next morning to go to a work conference and never knew who that fangirl was and now I know she made it home okay and has nothing but good and positive memories, just like my own amazing Wincon experience meeting all y'all, and that is SO AWESOME. THANK YOU. ♥

Date: 2010-05-12 03:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] effervescent.livejournal.com
I am glad that I came back to take a look at your journal, because it's always good to see stories like this one.

I hope you don't mind if I add you? You've just been generally coherent and intelligent and awesome through this.

Date: 2010-05-11 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubywisp.livejournal.com
y'know, i'm one of those people who would rather give five bucks to the guy who is just asking for money because he doesn't want to work (like my brother was for years, which is how i learned that people do this), than *not* give five bucks to someone who really needs it.

this believing people who say they were sexually assaulted is the same thing - i'd rather take the chance that i believe someone who is lying, than risk even the tiniest bit, NOT believing someone who was hurt.

also, also, i love you and think you are awesome. yis. <3

Date: 2010-05-11 03:09 pm (UTC)
ext_6545: (Default)
From: [identity profile] bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com
I love you right back, and I'm exactly the same way with giving money. I'd rather be occasionally taken advantage of than not help people who need it.
From: [identity profile] unfilthy.livejournal.com
I replied to a comment you made in [livejournal.com profile] harmonyfb's journal, and then found that it was automatically screened, and since I'm not sure if you'll get it or not, and really it wasn't about her at all, I figured I'd repost here, and hope that it doesn't feel like I'm randomly invading your space.
My original comment:

"by the time he held me down on the bed, whispered that he loved me, totally ignored my crying and shaking, and hurt me badly enough that I was bleeding after, he had skillfully undermined my sense of self-worth to the point where I didn't think he had raped me."

My boyfriend didn't rape me. He hit me with various objects, he locked me in and he locked me out, he shoved, dragged, restrained, slapped and punched me, broke things on my body, and threatened to kill me. Still, I find myself, almost 20 years later (I was 16 at the time), almost automatically starting to type "and I have the scars to prove it." Which I do, but that's not the point. It's never the point.

Of all the things he'd done to me, including the ones that left scars, the most damaging by far was exactly what you described in the quote above. He undermined my sense of self to the extent that I could no longer trust my own judgment, or separate mine from his. Bit by bit I was isolated from my family and friends, at first because it was easier to not go anywhere or talk to anyone than to get into the inevitable fight that would ensue when he started questioning me about it, and then because I was so lost that I started internalizing his accusations and paranoia. I would constantly doubt myself and my behavior, even when he wasn't around. Maybe I was constantly flirting with other people? Maybe I was lying to him? I would literally keep my head down to prevent accidentally making eye contact, that I knew meant that I was "making eyes" at people. I knew because he told me that was what I was doing. By the time he started hitting me, I was so broken down that I also knew that I deserved it for being a lying whore. Which is why, like you, when I see someone else being intimidated, I do everything in my power to help her feel, and be, safe.
It's also why I find the attitudes expressed by [that] journal's owner so destructively ignorant.

I guess I just wanted to thank you for speaking up, and to say that I'm sorry you went through that, that I understand, and that you are not alone.

Date: 2010-08-08 09:30 am (UTC)
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